a 'stache job
Shawn, Amy & Joseph undergo a metamorphosis.
Winter.
Winter is here.
And with it come the typical changes inside.
I haven't been able to make complete sense out of it, to understand why I start feeling like this. Awful memories begin to flood back, and I catch myself longing for days long gone. My dreams are long, intricate, dramatic stories made of bits and pieces of the past; stories that are difficult to think about and best forgotten. It seems to me, emotionally, that yesterday was always better than today. That last year is always better than this year, and so on. On closer inspection, it is obvious that this is not true. While elements of 2004 have been awfully sad, overall I have to admit that it has been a good year compared to most others. I am in Tallahassee, enrolled in school, making a nice dollar at my job, giving to V89 and receiving so much more than I can say (no, I'm not stealing from catalog.. geesh). I have Amy closeby, and I love her dearly. Five months from now will mark the 10-year anniversary of the day we first met. She has enriched my life in important ways that no one else has before or since.
Finances are in order. I am succeeding in school, as my grades would prove to me. Socially, I'm still an oaf. I try to make bonds with people, I want so badly to succeed with this, but I find myself still very frustrated. Blame lies nowhere, though I see the obstacles posed by myself, by others and by sheer circumstance. That I can see this clearly is an accomplishment in itself, I imagine. I simply need to escape the house more, and when I'm out there, I need to say more and listen more.
So why then do I find myself so crushed by this season?
If I were asked, I would tell you that winter is my favorite time of the year. I suppose I love the weather the most. I love it because it matches more closely this feeling that rules my life. It is a Joy Division song, or a Sigur Ros song, or something from the new, amazing Julian Fane album, Special Forces. It is not cold, for cold does not exist. It is a lack of heat, of warmth, of brethren, of affection. It is empty. It is dark. It is often painful. Yes, I feel these things in the winter, and the winter mirrors me. The same feelings are evident always, at all other times of the year. Perhaps winter makes it okay for these emotions to thrive and sustain themselves, more so than, say, the summer does.
In winter, I am reminded of all who have disappeared. I am reminded of the ones who ran away, the ones who I pushed away, and the ones who just had to go. I am reminded of low organ keys held for long measures. Of "processions moving slowly." I think about good times with people who are nowhere to be found. Sometimes I try to go out and live amongst others, or to invite them into my room, to drink, to laugh, to be wild and crazy. It seldom works. Because all I really want when I feel like this, at this time of year, is to be alone, without interference and surprise. Without spontaneity or interruption.
Because it is familiar, I suppose.
the joke is in the surname
Woo! ..this was fun. =]
Can you find these people?
•Sooze
•Megatron
•Amy
•Tooter
•Seth
•Klocko
Among Dreams
I distinctly remember some parts of my dreaming last night, and they go like this.
• Standing near the entrance to a brick building
• Amy was there, as was Dick Cheney
• We were all bouncing a basketball-sized ball back and forth to each other, with a single bounce, halfway between the source and destination persons
• We also switched between the boucing and the direct throw to the person's midsection
• We seemed to be doing this in the smoothest, most-badass way imaginable
• Dick Cheney asked me to listen to this "really cool" song on his iPod
• The song was "Send Her My Love" by Journey
???
A long long ramble
Well, I am officially an employee at Dillard's. I'm a salesperson in the Home Goods department. While I'm required to dress like an idiot while at work (jacket and tie for all shifts), the idea of making $9/hour plus commission is quite nice. I'm a bit lacking in the wardrobe area for this job, but thankfully I've got a delivery of dress shirts and ties on its way up from Naples. Should be here next Wednesday. (Thanks Liz!)
In the meantime, I'm utterly broke! At Dillard's I'll be getting paid weekly, which is uncommon nowadays, and definitely a plus. So until I get my loan check (???) or until 8 days from now, I don't really know what I'm going to do for money. I did borrow some from L'Aimster, but had to put it in the gas tank. Literally! I actually rolled up the bill and shoved it on in! No.
• • •
So school-related news remains positive. I think I just might walk out of this semester with straight A's. Not bad for my first shot. It's stark, the contrast between my experience in high school and that of college. The factors are numerous, because the circumstantial differences are numerous. I can't say that I've changed a whole lot since giving high school the finger in 11th grade, unless maybe I just don't know myself as well as I think I do, but I suppose perhaps I'm a little more mature. The biggest difference, however, is that my peers have become more mature. It was, after all, the immaturity of my peers which was the biggest influence on my decision to fuck school and drop out, ace-ing the GED mere days later. And I have to wonder what the hell is up with the design of the high school curricula? It's dumbfounding, really. In college I go to a class for one hour, twice each week, for about 4 months. A class in high school lasts one hour, five days each week, for about 9 months… with much more homework! My biggest gripe with high school was the large amount of small assignments. College demands a small amount of large assignments, which is not only what I prefer, but it is how I perform best. I think a lot of people feel this way, and it's a shame that high schools aren't more flexible within themselves. Understandably, many high schools operate differently, and I can only speak for mine, but there you have it.
When people say "stay in school" and then give you reasons why, well most of those reasons are crap. The only reasons which I have found to be truly legitimate are these. 1: if you drop out before graduating from high school, you basically forfeit a lot of scholarships. I'm not certain how the Bright Futures scholarship works, I think it pays a flat 75% of expenses, but I know a lot of students who are receiving it. 2: Dropping out before graduating high school tempts you to procrastinate with future plans. I know that I bummed around for 8 years after leaving high school, but I did eventually start college. I imagine for some, that length of virtual inactivity is much longer, or even perpetual.
And that's it. Those are the only two reasons I've found to be worth anything! I can't beat myself up too much for taking an 8 year break from school. It's not like I accomplished absolutely nothing, just… very little. *grins* I learned a lot about computers! Actually, most of what I know about computing, I learned in this 8 year period. We never had a computer in our home while I was living with the parents, and all the many different jobs I had while in high school didn't involve using one. I'd have to say that that was my biggest accomplishment while not in school. I'm struggling to think of others. Certainly, I met some really cool people, dear friends that I certainly would not have met had I graduated and gone straight to college. In fact, it is sad to consider how different my life would be had I decided to tough it out. I would have escaped Naples long before the Summer of 2000, meaning: I would not have moved to Gainesville, I would not have met the people I met there, I would not have been exposed to those musical influences, there would have been no Suzi.. sad stuff.
OK, enough ranting. Time for schoolwork. : )
The T-Burgs!
Wow! The show last night was remarkable! The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players came to Tallahassee and played at the Beta Bar with Andrew Katz and the local group The Alaskan Pirate and His Salty Seamen. The family spent the night at Amy's house with Andrew and their tour manager Dennis. None of the pictures I took turned out well enough to share, sadly, but here's a PR shot and a link to their site.
Halloween Party!
Yay! I'm so excited about Amy's Halloween Costume party tonight! Sooze is up from Gainesville to visit. She's going as an awesome Alice Cooper, I will be Gary Wilson, Amy is going to be a Sonny's BBQ Waitress (Real Pit) and Barrett is a "Christmas Enthusiast." Sweet.
We've got lots of shopping, cleaning, decorating and miscellaneous preparing to do… so I'd better get off this damn machine and get 2 it. There shall be plenty of pictures posted after the fact.
Call me for party details if you'd like to attend.
Werd.
Garywilsonproctology.
Let me see here, what's new…
Well, after a couple conversations on AIM with Gary Wilson, I had to remove his name from my buddy list because I couldn't regulate the frequency that I messaged him with. Hehe… it's tough to say no to a chance to chat it up with Mr. Wilson.
*****
In related news, I'm going to be Gary Wilson for Halloween! I'm forever in debt to Amy for the idea, and I hope I've paid back the favor with my suggestion to her that she be "Lucille, The Sonny's Waitress." So far, we've made some headway in getting our costumes together, but with time running out, we've really got to get our butts into gear.
*****
In related news, I'm wondering today, like I do many days, how someone without any sort of pre-existing probably-sexual fascination with butts, could go to med school, and of all the different branches of medicine to choose from, chooses to be a proctologist. I'm convinced that all proctologists are closeted butt-lovers! I mean, why else wouldn't they study gastroenterology.. or cardiology, or something?
I know if I loved butts just enough, I'd certainly want to get paid big bucks for poking around inside of them every day.
*****
In related news, I've been awake now for 28 hours and am in the midst of delerium… but with too much to get done to just go to sleep. So, I'll be going now.
HNDLS
AIM Screennames: My Tragic, Tangled History
These are the primary screennames I've used over the years, in chronological order, first comes first.
• notvrystr8 (the only name I didn't get to choose myself)
• Star Prince Blue
• Wish Faster
• A Fox in The Snow
• For Kate I Wait
• A Hired Plane
• swarthychins current
There have also been screennames that I've created and used infrequently. They were either made as a novelty or made to replace one of the primary ones above but never caught on. These are in no particular order.
• afoxinthesauce (when the snow gets too cold…)
• negativtime
• mylovelytrench
• indierockspock
• Yeaowzah
• PartyTimExclnt
• guyinshadesohno (during my 80s-obsessed summer of 2002)
• jamesgandolfinii (when I was trying to trick Liz)
• anonsmokingfox (ha!)
• stellailoveu
• makeshift bunker
• CAPSLOCKFOREVER (when I was being a bastard)
• afoxonthephone (when I had AIM on my cell)
• lostchild0099
• ivegotbushpie321 (more Liz harassment)
• hatd4loving (Amy reminded me of this one!)
• afoxinthesnizzow (i think i'll use this one more often)
• OldManHandsOnMe
• Thereisnopilot
• Toleaveitnow
• ForcedHorse
• DjDagr
• GiveEmtheT00t3r
• callboxx123
• amiracleisdue
• missingparachute
• …and probably more that I will remember later.
The only person I know who has more screennames than I do is my friend Ezis. I'm certain his list would dwarf mine.
Maybe With Time
Well, Pit was online today. I apologized again, but it didn't get me anywhere. It's sad to see two people go thru their days alone. Here you have one individual who is lonely and sad. And you have this other individual who SEEMS lonely and sad.. but you can't really be sure because they won't tell you what is bothering them. And well, both of them, they seem to think pretty highly of one another… Yet, there is unnecessary tension, and there is no support or camaraderie.
I know Pit has trust issues.. we talked about it one day. I guess the only thing that can convince someone to trust someone else with their thoughts and emotions and dreams.. I guess the only thing that cures that is time.
Maybe with time Pit will learn to trust me. Maybe with time, we can share things, develop into great friends who laugh together as well as cry together.
But in the present atmosphere of things, I suppose it is best for me to sit idly… and wait for Pit to talk to me. I just hope the day will come.
*** *** *** *** ***
In other news.. I was talking to this guy J today. He seems pretty cool.. has a fantastic taste in music. He lives in Naples and goes to the school I used to go to. *yawn* I'm really getting tired. So yeah, I'm gonna do the sleep thing now. Tomorrow is Amy's last day.. she leaves in the afternoon. : (
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