Mountain Man Dance Moves p.189
THINGS DAKOTA FANNING COULD SAY THAT WOULD MAKE ME SMILE
by Justin Paul Villegas
"Excuse me please mister?"
"YUM! Grape juice!"
"Rain, rain go away!"
"Karl Rove—what a cocksucker."
Resume of a 5 year-old
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Visit the source page to view the whole thing.
I think my favorite line is "I was born at a very early age…" :)
The Son of S—…
And so it came to pass one day, that S— and an unknown female did bear a child together; and saw that it was good—no—strange… it was really fucking strange. And so unto this Earth the two did bestow their only Son (more endearingly obnoxious than the people had ever seen before) so that everyone who believes in Him may not perish but may have eternal life.
"Todd's Hands"
Lifetime Original Movies That Never Made It…
"TODD'S HANDS"
The touching story of a young boy who wears thick winter gloves at all times because he aspires to be a successful model appearing in hand cream and nail polish ads in glossy magazines. Follow his trials and tribulations with his family and peers.
It's not even like he stuck it in his ass or anything?
How is it that I can be fearful of something because of the way it moves?
Like spiders, for example. …Or those zombie-like creatures (they weren't really "zombies" by definition, right?) in the movie 28 Days Later… (which I always confuse titles with that awful Sandra Bullock flick 28 Days). Very quick, scariest when they are running or scurrying. Same parallels.
* * *
And in other news, I was eating a banana today, and Hansel was immediately interested, like he's been a lot lately any time anyone is eating or drinking anything (or in the case of coffee, preparing to drink something… i'll get to the coffee thing in a minute). But anyways, after making a few insane sounds at him, which is how we communicate, I pinched him off a little piece of banana and dropped it to the floor. He lost sight of it somewhere between my finger and the floor and kinda looked at me like, "What the fuck?" so I went through the motions… put index finger next to object, move it around a little so it looks more interesting until he eventually finds it and eats it. He sniffed it.. and HATED IT! He hated it to the point that he gave it that little face he gives when he smells something that a cat would find deplorable (like rubbing alcohol or something)–! He ran away to the other room, but then came back in when I made more crazy-person noises (the cat and I communicate using an ever-changing combination of about 8 sounds, four of them designated as "core" sounds, and the other four; a revolving cast of additional sounds that come and go… I'll get back to that, too). THEN…. he saw the banana. In my hand. Peel and all… but unpeeled, of course. The look of horror overtook his big-schnozzed face, and he ran away again! It made me question whether or not I should be eating the banana… but I did.
Oh, so the coffee thing…
Well, we've always known that Hansel had a thing for coffee, because if you leave your cup sitting where he can get to it, he'll drink from it. And once I caught him eating used coffee grounds that came from the garbage can. So one day, about a month or so ago, I decided to give him a little pinch of un-used coffee grounds. I put them on the floor and he ate them. This became a morning ritual for us, me and the cat, that went on for about a week. But then, he began meowing …violently… until I would give him his coffee ground fix. I decide this was probably not healthy for either of us, and I stopped giving it to him. The coffee ground treats have been discontinued for over a week now, but he still meows at me (or anyone else) when making coffee.
And the communication thing…
Inspired by my sister I guess, who talks like a retard to her Yorkshire Terrier, Abner, I began talking like a retard to the cat. The four "core" sounds cannot be accurately portrayed using traditional letters of the English alphabet, but I will do my best.
They are:
hahn
kee
myew
murrw
Additionally, other sounds are used off and on. Some of them include:
beef
meat
bahm
bee
geebee
gimm
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Update: This morning Hansel reacted the same way to the banana. Peter was there as a witness this time.
Checking out oneself
The self-checkout lanes in stores are never a sure thing. For one, you are at the mercy of the collective intelligence of the shoppers ahead of you instead of the intelligence of the sole cashier at the counter. Furthermore, things always go wrong. Assistance is often required, especially for the purchase of practically anything that could get a bored 16-year old high. And I am bothered by the calm, female voice that is emulated by the machine as you are scanning your items and progressing with your transaction. For it is only a matter of moments before you make some sort of mistake, and the woman puts on her deeper-voiced husband/brother/supervisor who belts out a threatening, commanding phrase like: "Please remove stray item from the bagging area." or "Down on all fours! Prepare to be entered…"
the joke is in the surname
Woo! ..this was fun. =]
Can you find these people?
•Sooze
•Megatron
•Amy
•Tooter
•Seth
•Klocko
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