Unseasonal Migration of Birds
What sets me off to one side
for silent needles' deluge
concealed in priceless niceties
To whom do I owe the debt
of brains rescinding embrace
Literally or figuratively
and pejoratively
the prick
Somewhere along the way
I remember, in the days before the Internet became so commonplace, sitting around for hours listening to music on my tape recorder… stopping, rewinding, playing, stopping, rewinding playing… trying to decipher the lyrics, and writing them down.
My tape recorder was small, for the time period it existed in. By today's standards however, it was monsterous. It could easily have been used, if needed, to gain a clear advantage in hand-to-hand combat. The thing was heavy and would most assuredly have cracked a human skull if swung with enough force.
But despite its capabilities of being a tool of death, I sure loved that thing. No pictures exist, sadly. But I scoured Google Images for about 30 minutes before I found this picture, which admittedly bears a pretty strong resemblance… all the way down to the sturdy handle.
Somewhere along the way, I suppose it got thrown away.
Winter.
Winter is here.
And with it come the typical changes inside.
I haven't been able to make complete sense out of it, to understand why I start feeling like this. Awful memories begin to flood back, and I catch myself longing for days long gone. My dreams are long, intricate, dramatic stories made of bits and pieces of the past; stories that are difficult to think about and best forgotten. It seems to me, emotionally, that yesterday was always better than today. That last year is always better than this year, and so on. On closer inspection, it is obvious that this is not true. While elements of 2004 have been awfully sad, overall I have to admit that it has been a good year compared to most others. I am in Tallahassee, enrolled in school, making a nice dollar at my job, giving to V89 and receiving so much more than I can say (no, I'm not stealing from catalog.. geesh). I have Amy closeby, and I love her dearly. Five months from now will mark the 10-year anniversary of the day we first met. She has enriched my life in important ways that no one else has before or since.
Finances are in order. I am succeeding in school, as my grades would prove to me. Socially, I'm still an oaf. I try to make bonds with people, I want so badly to succeed with this, but I find myself still very frustrated. Blame lies nowhere, though I see the obstacles posed by myself, by others and by sheer circumstance. That I can see this clearly is an accomplishment in itself, I imagine. I simply need to escape the house more, and when I'm out there, I need to say more and listen more.
So why then do I find myself so crushed by this season?
If I were asked, I would tell you that winter is my favorite time of the year. I suppose I love the weather the most. I love it because it matches more closely this feeling that rules my life. It is a Joy Division song, or a Sigur Ros song, or something from the new, amazing Julian Fane album, Special Forces. It is not cold, for cold does not exist. It is a lack of heat, of warmth, of brethren, of affection. It is empty. It is dark. It is often painful. Yes, I feel these things in the winter, and the winter mirrors me. The same feelings are evident always, at all other times of the year. Perhaps winter makes it okay for these emotions to thrive and sustain themselves, more so than, say, the summer does.
In winter, I am reminded of all who have disappeared. I am reminded of the ones who ran away, the ones who I pushed away, and the ones who just had to go. I am reminded of low organ keys held for long measures. Of "processions moving slowly." I think about good times with people who are nowhere to be found. Sometimes I try to go out and live amongst others, or to invite them into my room, to drink, to laugh, to be wild and crazy. It seldom works. Because all I really want when I feel like this, at this time of year, is to be alone, without interference and surprise. Without spontaneity or interruption.
Because it is familiar, I suppose.
a risky fuel to burn
Postscript The title of this article is a lyric excerpt from the song "Being in Love" by Songs: Ohia
Indeed, it is much harder to let something (or someone) go when you have nothing (or nobody) of near-equal value to replace it with.
article 1103
why is it so hard to let go? why can i not convince myself that the well has run dry, and it is only futile suffering from here on out? that the mountain top has either been reached, or is entirely unreachable and i have already conquered the highest pinnacle possible, and it is all downhill from here? or boring staring? i have seen it all, i have seen the trees, i have seen the willow leaves dancing in the breeze… i've seen it all, there is no more to see. "I've Seen It All" excerpt from lyrics
Björk
Selmasongs (2000)
i just keep holding on for dear life to this fantastic mirage i have built for myself. i need to learn to let this go because it is destroying my life. the only one i'm sure i've got.
article 1102
oh how vividly i remember being your everything. how i meant so much to you and how that fact meant so much to me. i like to think that i loved you, but perhaps i just loved that you loved me. in any case:
now i know i've been segmented. i've been dissected. i am being used for parts, for pleasure, for money and opportunity. the feeling is disgusting, to tell you the truth. but i wonder how long i will let this go on.
the age-old question poses itself again: Is the pleasure of love worth the pain?
but perhaps i am asking the wrong question. it might be better to ask, is this love at all?
Smeared…. Black…. Ink….
when you gonna make up yr mind? when you gonna love you as much as I do? when you gonna make up yr mind? cuz things are gonna change so fast, all the white horses are still in bed, I tell you that I always want your near, you say that things change, my dear. "Winter" excerpt from lyrics
Tori Amos
Little Earthquakes (1991)
i am not well. i am sitting here listening to my favorite song in the entire world and just as i type those words i am expecting you to know what that means, but you will not know what that means.
what it means to me is not what it will mean to you. you don't know what this song means to me. this song means that i can sit here by myself instead of picking myself up and depositing myself into some stream of other people. it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter what. this song gives me permission to stay here alone and not be a part of the world. it tells me that it is okay, because it fills me up with feelings that i might not otherwise experience if i didn't have it. if i didn't have it, i might have to venture into the world to find it somewhere else. perhaps, with other people.
but that is not something i am interested in doing. and this is why i say that i am not well. i don't like people, and i don't like seeing them. my capacity for trust is entirely invested in only a few people on this planet, and all the rest can simply fuck off as far as i care. i do not need them, and they do not want me.
this measures in sharp contrast with how i perceived life and living just a couple of years ago. i will tell you why. i wanted to help people. i wanted to enrich their lives. i wanted to infect them with me and all that i saw as good. this was the driving force in my life, it was what i loved and it was what i looked forward to doing in the future as a career.
but all of a sudden, i don't want to be bothered. not by most people. could this be the cynicism and jaded-glass of being 24 and not 14 that i am looking through? could this be the curse of adulthood that i swore i would never see or feel? it must be. ah, but the question must be posed: is there any turning back?
i see myself doing so much more. "dancing, laughing and finally living," as Morrissey would phrase it. i call out to myself, "change your ways!" but i can't accomplish that here.
hello person who used to be one of my best friends but will never see this sentence because you don't even care enough to come to this page even though i have shared the URL with you on countless occasions. how have you been? have you been busy? you must be real fucking busy.. or at least you'd better be real fucking busy.
did you forget about me? or simply stop caring? ALAS! i have done the same. and i'm too stupid to sit here and put 2 and 2 together. is it ok for me but not ok for you? am i god?
how does it go? go go go go now? out of the nest, it's time? go go go now, circus girl without a safety net? here here now? don't cry? you've raised your hand for the assignment, tuck those ribbons under your helmet and be a good soldier? first my left foot then my right, behind the other? panty hose running in the cold? mother the car is here? somebody leave the light on? green limousine for the red-head dancing, dancing girl? and when i dance for him, somebody leave the light on? just in, just in case i like the dancing i can remember where i come from… "Mother" excerpt from lyrics
Tori Amos
Little Earthquakes (1991)
i think that's how it goes. [the phone has been disconnected]
when the time gets right i'm gonna pick you up and take you far away from trouble my love. under a big old sky out in a field of green there's gotta be something left for us to believe. go out of our way today good fortune comes our way and we'll ride down the king's highway. no you can't hide out in a six-gun town. we want to hold our heads up but we gotta stay down. i don't wanna end up in a room alone don't wanna end up someone that i don't even know. go out of our way today good fortune comes our way and we'll ride down the king's highway. "King's Highway" excerpt from lyrics
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Into The Great Wide Open (1991)
trying to speak sensibly. constructively. but only able to recite song lyrics at this point. a defense mechanism i think. another excuse for not saying what i really want to say. another excuse for not trying to sort things out.
i promise that i'll always remember your pretty eyes. your pretty eyes. "Pretty Eyes" excerpt from lyrics
Silver Jews
The Natural Bridge (1996)
and i was doing all right today. i was making good. but then… but then.
i am finally seeing, well i was the one worth leaving, i was the one worth leaving "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" excerpt from lyrics
The Postal Service
Give Up (2002)
and i sit here in this car, and i hear that, and you hear that. but the thing is, i get goose bumps and you don't. the song, the words, they mean nothing to you. and the drum machine! and the girl back up vocals! they go into your ears, and they do nothing! but they are the high peaks of my day.
i am not well, you see, because i am in love with the music. and not with a person. and that is sad.
please don't leave me
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